Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
