I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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