I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
