i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
