On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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