Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
