i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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