You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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