I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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