I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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