If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just threw up on my dentist
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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