I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
