are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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