She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
