Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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