you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
