My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
