STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
