Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Two words: nipple clamps
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