so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
