Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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