you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
