I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
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But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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