Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
