And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
