i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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