We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
