When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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