wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
