remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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