i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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