it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
