i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
