I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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