I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
