need another drink. this is the easiest way
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
did you just send me my own nude
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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