I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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