When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So gin and wine won't be happening again
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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