New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I cut my penus on the lid.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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