He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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