omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Boobs speak an international language.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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