Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
you never un-have a 4some
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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