why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
