i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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