Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
