I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
