I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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