Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
