I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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