dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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