im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
