so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
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i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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