im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
