Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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