i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
