Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
