I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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