If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
