it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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