Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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